Only the Good Diaper Young

Investing in your skills must be a good thing. Practice makes perfect they say. Repetition certainly has paid off when it comes to my ability to be delusional. Just ask my lovers Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson, who will no doubt agree. 

But so many people overcomplicate things when it comes to improving their riding. Sure there are no end of expensive training courses, DVDs or instructional tomes you can buy, but if you really want something that works, then nothing beats the traditional method. It’s simple, cost-effective and foolproof. 

Wear an adult diaper. 

That’s right, diapers aren’t just for incontinence and BMW riders. And with advances in modern technology, they are practical enough to be worn all day. They also add a shapely bulge in all the wrong areas.

But trust me, if you want to analyse your riding, nothing beats a visual inspection of your diaper at the end of a day’s ride. It’s sort of like inspecting spark plugs really. A colour-guide, if you will. At its most basic level, it goes something like this:

• Too dark and/or fouled means you scared yourself. Slow down, you idiot. It’s your bike that is supposed to throw a rooster tail, not you.

• Small, light brown or tan coloured deposits means you have found your limit. Either that or some wildlife/lowlife jumped out in front of you.

• A small, yellowish patch means you have pushed yourself but still have kept a bit in reserve. Maybe have a bit more of a crack next time, so to speak.

• A pristine diaper means you are a wuss or you think you are much better than you really are. Get back out there and have another go. Don’t come back until that diaper is damp.

For those of us who have practiced the diaper technique for some time, there is some advanced data-analysis that can also be insightful. For example, a diaper completely soaked yellow means you were having such a good time that you really didn’t want to get off the bike. Incidentally, any aroma of ‘Tomcat’ means that the night before you had asparagus. Or a Californian sauvignon blanc.

Any other substances found in your diaper should be contemplated carefully. Anything green and you may want to get yourself some penicillin. Oh, in case you are wondering, a completely brown diaper means you shouldn’t have had those 12 beers, six whiskeys and a second helping of Bombay Barry’s Vindaloo Surprise the night before riding.  

The secret to improving your riding is of course to continually analyse your diaper ‘palette’ and make changes to your technique accordingly. Just like checking your spark plugs, you may have to get your hands dirty, but it is worth it. After using the diaper technique, I am riding so fast these days that my mates are too embarrassed to ride with me. Losers. 

Oh, and one last tip, don’t throw out used diapers – they make excellent packing for your exhaust!